My ED brain like to say "ill stop eating.. that will show them". Which makes me feel better and the jealousy when i lose weight is the best form of revenge. kinda like they don't have control over me. I'M IN CONTROL. Sometimes i don't know what comes over me but when people are concerned about me not eating i'm happy. almost like they actually care now. at work there is always someone doing a diet or who hasn't eaten yet that day. then there's me starving and making sure that they eat. no one is going to take my title as the starving weight loss queen. i know i sound full of myself and that its probably my sick brain say these thing.
Just imagine walking in to school or work after a big break and BAM! all the heads turn because you lost so much weight. so much that they think you sick or you know some short of secret. When that happen politely throw them off your tack and as "oh its just exercise and eating better".
For the past week I’ve had a sore throat, the kind where you think it’s Strep and your throat and neck are swollen. Being this it has made it hard to eat. While in the hospital all I had was my ensure and diet sprite. It got so painful it took me 15min to drink 8floz of water. So your probably wondering why I’m telling you this because it’s a great excuse not to eat.
As my pervious post stated it’s my birthday today. In my family that means dinner of my choice. I stupidly chose Golden Corral Buffet. So while at dinner where it took me 20 mins to finish my first plate (bread, 1/2 cup carb salad, and 1 1/2 deviled eggs), the rest of my family were on their second plate. Although I’m really sick, a sore throat is still a perfect reason to eat slower and not as much.
I still at more than I was intending but way less then if i didn’t have a swollen throat. All in all my ED is good no to milk the hell out of this being sick thing. And I can’t wait to shed those pounds.
BTW I’m on antibiotics now so it won’t last that long.
have a skinny day.
-SELF HARM TRIGGER WARNING-
i made it only 6month and I ended up in the hospital. It was dound to happen I wasn’t eating enough. My meds stopped working because for it to work I need to eat 300 Cala for it asorbe into my system. So at 90 hours of fasting (about 4 days) I binged and got angry and self harmed. I was suppose to get stitches but the doctor “didn’t want to deal with me”. Long story short I I got out yeasterday and I was in for 1.5 weeks. On the plus side I only gained one pound! Usually I gain 5-10 because they make me eat. The hospital I went to was crap so I got away with not eating.
Btw it’s my birthday today. Hopefully I won’t be consumed by thought of food.
with love JT
Call me JT. I am no longer in recovery. Please read the about page.