I made many mistakes in the past 24 hours, some worse than others. It started out as a simple thought "this Christmas is going to be a good one", and oh boy how wrong I am so far. don't get me wrong this totally beats when i sent it in the hospital a few years back.
I started my day waking up at 11am. Then the stupid person that I am decided it was a good idea to to eat the rest of the ice cream in the freezer. Bad Choice. It would have been okay calorie wise if I didn't go to my moms house for Christmas eve dinner. Lord only know how many calories was it that food. And then there is me, feeling guilty as ever. Didn't help we were talking about weight at the dinner table either. Any ways sum it up my eating was shit today.
At my dads house I found out that his girlfriend invited her friend over for Christmas. thing can go 1 of three ways. 1. she doesn't show up 2. she comes and keep he opinions to herself (highly doubt that) or 3. he comes says something that makes me mad and I have to leave my dad house early. [I know this sound petty but honestly this is the only place I have freedom to vent without having fear of someone I know finding out.] So I'm stressed, anxious and angry and what do I do cut my arm. I haven't self harmed in 6 month, the longest. then I tell my boyfriend and now he is mad. I really do know how to mess things up!
All in all, holidays are shitty, I'm also shitty but hey at least after today I can fast until I drop.
In short Yes it changes but not in the way you think! If you don't care about my personal life please skip...
Well lets come clean, IM FAT! Like seriously. So being in a relationship not only makes it hard on the whole "What if they like someone skinnier than me" aspect but it may make me realize my actual size. Since being in a relationship i have done more body checks then i have ever done. ive been comparing myself to my coworkers who have healthy relationship and they are all smaller than me. like is being skinny the key to a good relationship... i will have to find out on my own.
The anxiety about how he will perceive me started when I sent him a picture so he could see more than just my face. From that moment on I've have been thinking about how I can improve my appearance. Like "how do i get rid of my double chin" or "I need to slim down so i will look good naked". to be honest I've had these thoughts before i met him. but now they are popping in my head every time i see his name on my phone. so your probably wondering how this effect my eating disorder. its goes from "I need to starve to be prefect" to "i'm perfect the way i am". I've been in this relationship for nearly 1 month and i still cant decide if i should in brace myself or to be the version i wish to be.
my eating disorder is not a secret. so I've never hidden my rituals or diets. now i feel i have too, even though he knows. when he text me to see if I've eaten i lie. i don't want him to feel the need to make me eat. that he maybe is the reason i haven't had anything since my breakfast yogurt and its now 11pm. i feel conflicted. is this really what i need right now? Is being loved by someone worth hating myself? Is only 700 calories a day really going to make me look prettier in his eyes? the answer to these questions is simple for a healthy brain, but for a person whom has spent half their life thinking "thinner is the winner" the true answer maybe devastating.
i really don't know where I'm going with this blog post but i can sum it up to this. either love is going to win or my ED. and at this point i don't know which one i'm rooting for.
with best regards,
Call me JT. I am no longer in recovery. Please read the about page.